I  am one of the few people who does not envy Ben Southall, who last week won 'the best job in the world' competition.  Poor Ben now has to live on Australia's Hamilton Island for six months. We managed just one night.It’s important to be clear that the Whitsunday Islands, to which Hamilton Island belongs, are one of the world’s most devastatingly beautiful places.

Sailing around them and diving among the coral is a wonderful experience which I heartily recommend. Just don’t make the mistake of staying there. The travel guide was brief in its dismissal of the isle – 'rather commercial' - and we assumed that this meant that we shouldn’t have too much trouble finding somewhere to stay.

We didn’t book any accommodation before we flew in from Sydney, which was a mistake. We also inadvertently took the last flight of the day, which landed at 3.30 in the afternoon.  The moment we got off the plane and into the small airport we were told that we would need to split into queues for one of two hotels or the last boat to the mainland.

Not having researched where the boat went, we compounded our lack of foresight by trying to get help from one of the brightly-clothed reps who were herding hapless people. They certainly didn't help. Once the last-boat-anywhere-queue had boarded their vessel, and once the hotel queues had left by minibus, we asked again.

We were regarded with incredulity when we said that we had nowhere to stay. After a few moments of this, we were pointed to a phone on the wall and transferred by the operator to something called central reservations who 'ummed' and 'ahhhed' before telling us that luckily there was a room available in one of the hotels on the island.  By this point we were utterly alone at the airport, which was closed.

The golf cart which arrived for us was driven by a charming man, possibly the only person with a sense of humour on the island, it transpired.  As we slowly climbed the hill away from the airport we noticed that the plane which had brought us there was making its noisy takeoff, and I suddenly regretted that we hadn’t tried to get back on it.

We were regaled with tales of how horrible the staff accommodation was, and felt truly sorry. This didn’t prepare us for the fact that our hotel would be little better.  I’m not going to dwell on that hotel – we probably deserved it for not booking ahead.

Suffice to say that in 1988 it was probably luxurious, but had aged badly. And we were put in the sort of room which I'm sure is kept for people who turn up unannounced for a night. We went to explore, unclear as to what else we could do, and wandered around for half an hour.

I have been surrounded by all sorts of things on holiday, including beggars, irritated people waiting for late flights, pickpockets, crying infants with tired parents, drunken football fans - and yet I’ve never been anywhere where so many people go to be miserable.  My wife and I found a new game to while away the three hours before we could find a restaurant to eat in – trying to spot a happy person.

It was an enormous challenge. I nearly won as I saw a small girl who was running away from parents who seemed to be about to break into a grin.  Her father reached out and dragged her back, upon which she started to cry. It was forty five minutes before we found someone smiling. I almost smiled back.

We explored all the options for dinner, including the bar in the hotel where a unmanned piano tinkled mercilessly (I assume that a real pianist would have to  be chained to the piano to prevent escape) before deciding that a distant pizza restaurant was the least worst option.

I don’t really remember the pizza but I suppose it was adequate, although very expensive. It was only when we were asked at a restaurant a half-an-hour’s walk from the hotel what our room number was that we realised that the whole island was owned and run by the same operation.

Before development this would have been paradise but it had become a bland miserable hell. Somehow we survived the night and got the first boat off at 6am, which gallingly cost more than the flight from Sydney had done.